Written by guest writer ALEXIS D @ohsolovli!
In the words of the doll herself “Bay-Bay Bay-Bay! Did you see Catfish last night?!” Last night’s episode featured Ving Rhames circa Holiday Heart AKA Antwane or “Twan” for short; an unemployed single penguin shaped corndog from Ohio with a princess bundle over the eye quickweave. And no Princess does NOT make bundles for you ratchets who probably would go asking! (Btw do all gay boys go by Twan??) Anywhoo Twan’s strong jaw cousin Carmen was “EXTREMELY” concerned about Twan being in a three year relationship with someone who he had never met let alone seen a picture of! Twan met Tony on what he thought was a local chatline that he called regularly on his Obama phone PAUSE now you know damn well Obama did not give out these phones for the kids to be calling 1-800-FIND ME A MAN! How about calling somebody’s HR office for a J-O-B! Okay back to Holiday Heart Twan, Twan gives Max and Nev an old phone number that he has for Tony since he only calls once a day from a blocked number due to his “busy construction job”. Max and Nev link the number to three addresses and they all go door to door looking for Tony. I’m not sure what part of Cincinnati they were in but it looked like CRACKHEAD REALNESS! I’m talking mad dogs beer cans on the ground, uncut grass, burglar bars, and itty bit stoops! So once they get to the last ABANDONED house Caaarrmmiiin comes out and says “Ain’t no Tony cause I’m Tony!” DEAD TO THE BED REALNESS!!! Now idk what was stopping Twan from pulling off his “stick brazilin wig” and beating the pink pleather off of Carmin’s Simply Fashion bowling ball jacket but he held it together chile! When Max & Nev ask Carmin why she did it she blames Twan for calling her a FAT KELLY PRICE. Which really was a compliment considering she looked like a pregnant Faizon Love! Chile after Carmin spills the tea or betta yet THROWS it on Nev, Max, and Twan they get in separate cars and go back home never to talk again! Let this be a lesson to anyone who uses their Obama phone for anything other than checking the balance on your Rush Card!
“Got me looking for Tony and ain’t no damn Tony!!”